You Learn Something New Every Day
by Schadenfraude
Summary: Every kid has his or her day, so to speak. This is what happens when it comes for Nils. Rated for being suggestive and for language.
1. Chapter 1

Every little kid asks the "big one". This is what happens when Nils asks.

**Note:** OOCness is almost definite. And plotholes too. And it has a slight spoiler.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem.

**Chapter Start** -----

Nils was in Castle Ostia. Everybody was preparing to go their separate way. Some had decided to stay but for the most part, the majority was leaving.

As he pondered about what everyone was going to do, a sudden wailing was heard from the nursery section of the castle. Nils wasn't far from it so he wasted little stamina and time in getting there.

When Nils peeked through a gap the door hadn't covered, he saw an aggravated woman with a baby wrapped up in a towel. The baby continually cried, making a huge racket. The woman, with much effort, managed to yell louder than the baby. "MAKE IT STOP SCREAMING!"

The nurse, who had plugged her ears with her fingers in a vain attempt to shut out the noise, yelled back, "DUDE, IT'S, LIKE, JUST BLASTING OUT LIQUID FROM ITS LUNGS!"

The woman yelled back, "I DON'T CARE! EITHER IT STOPS, OR I'M GETTING ANOTHER ONE!"

_'Get another one?'_ thought Nils with a frown. _'From where?'_

When the nurse said nothing, the woman pushed the still wailing baby toward her.

The nurse sighed. After she had put the baby in a crib and stuck a pacifier in its mouth, she muttered, "I should've become a maid, nobody forces them to do menial tasks like this!"

Just then, the baby decided that it didn't like pacifiers. So he spit it out and the pacifier hit the nurse in the head. She screamed, "EWWW, DUUUUDE! THAT'S IT! NO MORE STINKIN' BABIES AND PREGNANT WOMEN! I'M GOING TO BE A MAID!"

And so, she stomped off to find the sign up sheet for maids, ignoring Nils who was by the door.

Nils, now with a certain question in his head, ran off to see if his dear sister could provide the much-wanted answer.

---

The bard found his sister gazing out toward the sky. He knew that she missed home. But they would have to endure, just for that little while longer. For now, he would just ask her a question.

Nils approached his sister and said, "Ninian?"

Ninian, now out of her trance, smiled at Nils and replied, "Yes, Nils?"

Nils asked with an innocent face, "You know lots and lots about humans, right?"

Ninian, still smiling, replied, "Well, I don't want to boast but I do know a fair amount."

"Well, do you know where human babies come from?"

That caught Ninian off guard. She certainly did know the answer. Very, very well. She had somehow before she met Lyn. When Ninian got herself stuck in an inn with drunkards, an especially drunk one plopped down on the seat beside her and started spewing random things which would include where kids came from. Unfortunately, he did not include any storks. Fortunately, Nils had retired early and was sleeping comfortably in the room they had rented.

But she felt that Nils should not know it. It wasn't a very subtle kind of thing. So she did the only thing she could think of that wouldn't taint her brother's young mind.

She lied.

"Uh... I don't know... I've never thought about it..."

Nils looked disappointed. "Oh..."

Ninian felt bad. Then she got an idea. The humans would know. And they might have a subtle way of answering Nils. "But the humans would know. And they might have a sub- I mean, they might know the answer."

Ninian was right, in a way. But she was wrong in the other way. Very, very wrong. But for now, Nils happily thanked his dear sister and was on his merry way to find victims-uh, friends.

---

The little bard, with a plan in mind, merrily danced about the castle. Then he heard the sound of a target being broken outside the castle walls. He looked out a large window and saw Wil practicing his archery. Nils grinned. This was the perfect place to start!

Nils then jumped out the window, it wasn't very high, mind you, and ran towards the above-mentioned archer. When Wil saw the little boy run toward him, he waved and removed the arrow he had just put in place in the bow to greet Nils.

The green-haired bard, having noticed that Wil had stopped practicing, cocked his head to one side. "Am I bothering you, Wil?"

Wil shook his head. The social archer was a nice guy. So to prove his point and not worry Nils, he resumed practice. "Nope, I can practice as I listen and talk. So, do you have a question of sorts or something?"

Wil will forever regret saying that. No pun intended.

"Well, I do have this question..." said Nils tentatively. What if Wil became perturbed? What if he refused to answer? What if he gets offended? Well, there's only one way to find out.

"Yes? What's the question?" asked Wil. He paused on his practice just as he had put the arrow in place.

"Where do human babies come from?"

At that, Wil accidentally let the arrow fly. But his aim was off (Can you blame him?) and the arrow flew through a window and hit a water-filled bucket that a maid was carrying. This resulted in the maid getting soaked. She was pissed. "This is no better than being a nurse! I should've become a stable girl! They don't get disturbed by stupid dudes!"

And with that, the maid walked off in a huff to register as a stable girl.

Nils now looked concerned. "Wil? Is there something wrong?"

Wil slowly turned his head to face Nils. He was pale and laughing sheepishly. "No, nothing at all!"

Liar.

Wil continued. "It's just that I don't really know how to explain." Wil wasn't too happy about this. He knew that Nils was a good-natured kid. But just how was he going to answer him?

"Any answer will do fine!" said Nils with an expectant smile.

Wil started scratching his head. "Uh, well... You see... There's a place very high in the sky, and it's full of... babies. And that's where they're from." Satisfied that he no longer had to dwell on the subject anymore, he sighed in relief. But his moment of relief was short-lived.

Nils was still skeptical. "But if they're high in the sky then how do people get 'em down from here?"

Wil mentally groaned. "Uh... You see... These babies are in baskets... that are secured... to the branches of a... uh... humongous tree... in the sky... Archers... um... shoot the branches and then... eh... the babies land safely on the ground... because they're in the baskets... Yeah, that's it."

Nils was astonished. So that's how it is! "Wow!... But... I've got another question. I've noticed that there are lots of different sort of people. Are they all born differently? Because I think that if that was how all babies are born, then I would've noticed the tree because it would've been lots bigger."

Wil sighed and sweat dropped. He wasn't in the clear just yet. "Yes, there are lots of different ways but I only know of this one. Maybe the others will be able to tell you the other ways."

Nils was happy. Really happy. He had a chance to learn all about human babies. "Really? Thanks!" Then he started to take off as Wil slumped down in relief and looked toward the sky, thanking the tree in front of him that it was all over.

All of a sudden, Nils stopped in his tracks. "Wil? Since you're a archer, do you shoot down babies from the sky?"

Wil laughed. After having such a tense moment, he was comforted by Nils' supposed antics. "Only on Sundays."

Now the bard was ballistic with excitement. "Today's Sunday! Can I watch you shoot down a baby?"

Wil sweat dropped and quickly found a way to get out of that situation. "I meant Saturday."

Nils looked a little disappointed but was happy nonetheless. "Oh... Hey, I was born on a Saturday! Were you the one who shot me down?"

Wil laughed again. At least now the conversation was far, far away from the real answer. "No, I wasn't qualified back then."

"Oh, oh! Rebecca and Rath are also archers!" Nils enthusiastically jumped up and down. "Do they help you get babies?"

How was he going to get out of this one? Wil scratched his head with his hand. He still wasn't home free. But before he could answer Nils added in an afterthought. "Lady Louise is an archer too! Do all of you shoot down babies together?"

Great. Just great. Now Wil was stuck. What would he say? Nils' last few sentences really just didn't sound... right.

"Well, if you don't know, I'll going to the stable to ask Kent and Sain now!" Nils put on some sort of determined face on. Wil laughed again.

And with that, they cheerfully waved to each other. When Nils was out of sight, Wil sprawled himself on the ground with a smile on his face. No matter how you looked at it (or how disturbed you were), Nils was a cute kid.

Then something dawned on him. He groaned, now stressed again. "Kent and Sain are going to kill me!"

**Chapter End **-----

So, what do you think? Please review if you think I'm worthy enough!


	2. Chapter 2

I'm sorry about getting rid of the review responses but I just don't think that they were working out for me. But anyway, thank you for reviewing! It means a lot to me.

**Note:** The italics in the second half of this chapter is supposed to show hushed voices.

**Chapter 2's Summary:** As Nils continues to doom others he learns a new word and gesture!

Nils: Hey! Umbrielle doesn't own Fire Emblem!

**Chapter Start** -----

Nils was bounding happily toward the stables. And of course, there they were, Sain and Kent. A stable girl was also there, tending to the horses and such since Sain was to busy staring at... her and Kent was trying to stop him from staring at... her.

When Sain and Kent saw Nils Kent waved to him. Sain was preoccupied by... the stable girl.

Nils walked right into the stable and in front of Sain and Kent. "Um, you wouldn't mind if I asked a question, would you?"

Kent courteously nodded and Sain nodded with a silly grin. He was still focused on the... stable girl. Figures.

"Where do human babies come from?"

Kent stared at Nils with wide eyes. But then Sain decided that he was going to "go for the kill" with the stable girl since he had yet to pay attention to anything but the... stable girl.

Just as Kent finally plucked up the courage to answer (or lie to) him, Sain knocked him out of the way. He then placed himself in front of the stable girl who had been eying him suspiciously.

Kent saw where this was going. "Sain..." he said warningly.

But his fellow knight paid him no heed. He grabbed the stable girl (Raise your hand if you're surprised.) and made her lean back as he leaned into her. Kent groaned.

And then, Sain started to woo her. "What's this? You must be an angel from the skies, here to grant me protection against loneliness!"

Kent smacked his head on a nearby wall repeatedly as the stable girl blinked, neither of the two wanting to believe what was happening.

Nils, however, looked on innocently. He had no idea what Sain was doing and the cavalier had yet to notice that Nils was there.

Sain proceeded to throw flattering remarks at the stable girl. "Your eyes, they are like the deepest, most vast and beautiful oceans."

The stable girl protested. "Dude, I've got BROWN eyes!"

Sain twitched his eye and thought, '_Well, I could say that they're like the murkiest and muddiest swamps_.'

Sain wasn't exactly in the best of moods and he was just putting up a front so people wouldn't be suspicious. Let's face it; you'd be freaked out if Sain had actually deliberately avoided human contact with women. 'Sides, he had kept many uncharacteristic thoughts inside his head.

He thought that Lyn's hair was the colour of ugly, damp moss. And he also thought that Priscilla's eyes looked like lime jelly, what with her constant sad expression and all. Serra's hair is tough and stringy. She needs a new conditioner. The bang-framed face look didn't quite suit Fiora and made her look ugly. Florina's hair was too puffy. She kept on looking like she would topple over with all that hair. Red lipstick made Isadora look funny. It didn't suit her. Vaida? ... ... ... ... No comment.

Basically, Sain thought that he was doing a favour for the stable girl by spitting out inaccurate yet likeable compliments at her. And he liked making cheesy pick-up lines. The stable girl WAS kind of pretty. Sort of.

Kent sighed. What the heck. Sain had never been able to get a woman and as far as he's concerned, he wasn't going to anytime soon. Might as well watch.

Sain continued to shower (inaccurate) compliments on her. "And your skin is as fair as can be! Its creamy composure and its fresh scent, how I love thee!"

The stable girl knew that her skin was tanned and rough. "... Dude, stop NOW before you lose that tongue of yours."

'_Fine then,_' thought Sain. '_It's like the most dried up and cracked piece of rock I've laid my eyes upon._'

The scoundrel/idiot of a knight continued to compliment the stable girl. "And your soft hair, how it radiantly shines like spun gold!

The poor stable girl was now on the verge of kicking Sain between the legs. "DUDE! USE YOUR EYES! I'VE GOT BLACK HAIR!"

Sain thought, in a way very unlike him, '_Then your tough and stringy hair is darker and dirtier than hair that has yet to be washed, ever. Well, you still have ONE redeeming quality._'

Kent gave a little countdown under his breath.

"And you-"

"1."

"-have beautiful-"

"2."

"bosoms!"

"3."

Kent's countdown was fairly accurate.

"**WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?**"

WHACK!

The stable girl had whacked Sain right in the face and ran behind Kent after doing so.

As she stuck **THE** finger towards the castle, she screamed, "I'm going to be a-"

---

This is a message to all readers. Due to the impending use of unfriendly words, we will now choose a substitute to be put in place of the said word. It is -fuzzing-. We kindly request that you do not ask about this. Please. The authoress is extremely bored and wants to stick in some randomness for the heck of it. We thank you for your patience. And now, we, the unnamed people who are delivering this message, shall demand for a pay raise.

Umbrielle: For the last time, NO!

---

"I'm going to be a -FUZZING- LIBARIAN! At least they get some -FUZZING- PEACE OF MIND from dudes LIKE YOU!"

And with that, she ran off to fill the conveniently empty vacancy at the library. Nils had now been temporarily occupied by another question that was bugging his young and innocent (though we don't know for how long) mind. He tugged at Kent's armour. When the knight looked down at him, Nils struck.

"What does -fuzzing- mean?"

'_Oh crud_,' thought Kent as he sweat dropped.

Kent nervously scratched his head. "Uh..." Kent was thinking of ways to lie to-I mean, answer Nils. "I... I... I don't... know... I don't know..."

Sain, however, was already up and the first thing he did was call after the stable girl. "NO! Please, oh my radiant guardian angel, stay and chase away the darkness in my heart, heal the wounds in my soul, and strengthen my spirit with your undying love!"

And he was secretly thinking, '_Serves you right you ungrateful stable girl!_'

Well, anyway, as Sain called after the stable girl, who was already long gone, Kent lied some more while trying to convince himself that life was short and that he wouldn't have to put up with Sain or the secret weapons of little kids when he died. "I don't know where babies come from either."

Nils asked Kent, "Do you know someone who does know? Other than Wil?"

Kent frowned. "Wil?"

Nils nodded. "Yup! He's the one who told me that there are lots of ways that human babies are born and that lots of people here know many ways."

Kent thought, '_Stupid, stupid archer! I'll have to deal with him later._' Kent forced an admittedly fake smile to get on his face and said, "Well, I'll have to _thank_ him later. For now, I'm sure that Erk and Canas know something. They're in the library."

Nils happily thanked him and bounced toward the library.

As soon as he was gone from the stable, Kent looked at Sain who had thrown himself on the floor. "Alas, my fair and beautiful angel, you have left me," said Sain melodramatically, "and my heart has been devoured by sorrow darker than the night! My soul is crying for your tender touch and my spirit has forgotten how to laugh! My smile, it is gone, despair has stolen it and hid in the gloomiest corner of my mind. Alas, I fear that I shall never feel joy until you return and-Hey! Is that Lady Lyndis?"

With that said, Sain ran off with more corny crud in mind to woo his liege (and pay attention to... her). Kent sighed and shook his head. "Figures," he mumbled as he trudged after him.

---

Nils peeked into the library. Along with a mage and shaman, there were many other bookworms in the room. The bard, having ignored the sign that said, 'Please whisper,' yelled out to his fellow friends, "HEY!"

A bunch of random people peeked out from behind shelves, over the top of opened the books, through the holes between open spaces in shelves, underneath tables, and from inside a trashcan. "_SHHHHHHHHHHHHH_!" they all quietly said.

Nils winced at realizing what he had done and whispered, "_Sorry_."

All the heads disappeared except the one in the trashcan. It got stuck.

Then Nils quietly tiptoed towards the table where the mage and shaman sat. The two acknowledged his presence with brief waves of the hand. Then the bard quietly sat down. He quickly saw the stable girl who was now a librarian. He gestured toward her with THE finger and whispered, "_Is that the_ -fuzzing- _librarian_?"

Erk and Canas, both knowing what the word and THE finger meant, dropped their books with a loud thud to reveal stunned expressions. All the people who had randomly popped up popped up again. "_SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_" they all quietly said. Of course, the guy in the trash can was still stuck there and was too busy to shush anyone.

The two magic casters just continued staring at Nils. How'd he learn **THAT** word and **THE** finger? Erk hesitantly, as in Canas had to urge him and nudge him, asked Nils, "_Where'd you learn that word?_"

Nils cheerfully whispered, "_I learned it in the stables where Sain and Kent were!_"

Canas and Erk were stunned. Sure, Sain was a mischievous scoundrel but Kent would stop him from saying and doing stuff like that in front of Nils.

Ignoring his buddies' suddenly stiff postures, Nils asked, "_What does the word mean?_"

With some more urging from Canas in the physical form of an elbow, Erk blurted out a couple of words, "It is used to-"

But it was a bit loud and the hushing group reappeared and did another, "_SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_" And of course, the guy in the garbage can was still stuck.

The hushing group REALLY annoyed Erk. Doing his best to ignore the hushing people, he whispered, "_It is used to describe something or someone that you like very, very much_."

Canas gave a disapproving look to Erk. Nils was very fascinated by human artifacts and he basically liked... everything and everybody. Does anybody see a problem? Erk shrugged. What else could he do? 'Sides it was... Canas' fault! Yeah, that's it! It's Canas' fault for making him answer Nils! But let's get on with the story.

Nils was now really, really, REALLY fascinated. He liked many things about the present Elibe and he had trouble finding words to describe the people and things that he liked. And consequently, he liked everybody who fought alongside him. "Really!" he exclaimed only to be shushed again. And the guy in the garbage can is still stuck in the garbage can.

Nils promptly apologized and whispered, "_Really?_" Erk and Canas nodded. Well, they're going to regret it but what the heck.

The bard started grinning the grand daddy of all grins. Then he opened his mouth.

"_I really like you_ -fuzzing- _two_!"

Nils just did a no-no. He used bad grammar. But who cares about that?

Canas and Erk stared wide-eyed at Nils. Canas' spectacle popped off his face and hit Erk in the back of his head. Neither of them noticed.

"Err," Canas stumbled to find the right words. "We do too..."

Then Canas forced a smile and did a "one second please" gesture with his finger. After doing so, he grabbed Erk by the ear and dragged him out the doors of the library. Erk kept on saying "ow" all the way and struggling.

And of course, the sound of Erk's feet kicking at the floor caught the attention of the hushing group. You know what that means. "_SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_"

The librarian, having heard the hushing group quite a few times, proceeded to ask Canas and Erk what they think that they were doing. But Nils jumped in her way. After sticking THE finger at her he politely aksed, "What does it feel like to be a -fuzzing- librarian?"

Well, to say the least, the librarian was horrified. To say more, the librarian was horrified, traumatized, stunned, stupefied, bemused, taken back, shocked, and aghast. And she ran out the door and through the hallways of Castle Caelin, screaming, "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!"

And of course, the hushing group was faithful in its duties. "_SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_" And the guy in the trash can? Well, you see, just before Nils had spoken to the librarian, he had gotten out of the trashcan. But then the librarian had ran by and knocked the guy off his feet and into the trashcan again. Well, there was a difference this time. The guy had his butt stuck in the trashcan instead of his whole body. He now flailed his legs in the air. Not exactly the dream position that you'd want to be in.

Shortly afterwards, Erk and Canas returned to the library. The mage had a throbbing red print of a fist on his face. Erk wasn't looking none too happy but Canas was forcefully smiling. "_So_," he quietly said as Erk rubbed the sore spot on his face, "_where were we?_"

Nils quickly bounded over to the pair and looked at them with adoring eyes. Then he used his secret weapon. "_Where do human babies come from?_"

And the two magic casters froze. Erk recovered his wits quickly and nudged Canas. "_Your turn._"

Canas started stuttering and turned to Erk but the mage had been expecting this. He quickly seated himself on a chair preoccupied himself with a book. But of course, he was just pretending. However much of a bookworm he is, he had already spent a good ten minutes reading. Normally, that wouldn't be enough but today, he was making an exception. You can guess why.

In an attempt to quickly get through this, Canas stuttered. "_Y-you see, baby m-making is v-very special s-so you need t-two people, p-preferably a m-man and w-woman-"_

Erk choked and made a strangled noise. The mage walked over to the shaman and pulled him aside. He whispered, "_Are REALLY going to tell him the TRUTH!_"

Canas shrugged. "_Your liability. Besides, no one ever comprehends what I denote. _"

Erk blinked, then groaned. "_Look, this is NOT the time. Just... Just make up something!_"

And the two of them went back to the table with false smiles. Canas started talking and ignored the principles of proper grammar by using run-on sentences. "_You see... there is an overwhelmingly huge tome called, "How to make Babies" and... uh... this is the method that magic casters use to... make babies and first you have to... um... be with a person of the opposite se-er, gender and you have to... uh, hold their hand-_"

'_Uh-huh_,' thought Erk dryly. Canas smacked him with hand and shot him a "could you do better?" look and continued.

"-_and then you have to... chant some words and... do some magic and then... confetti will appear... and then a baby will follow shortly after_."

"_Wow!_" Nils said. "_That's cool! Is the baby made by magic or it taken from somewhere else?_"

The poor shaman gulped audibly. He wanted this to end quickly. However, he was saved by his quite audible gulp. "_SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_" Erk winced. It was getting increasingly annoying.

Nils blinked. Then he asked another question. "_Have you ever made a baby before, Canas?_"

Canas scratched the back of his head. "_Uh, yes_."

"_Cool! How'd it feel?_"

Upon hearing that, Erk started snickering. Canas blushed. Getting no response from him, Nils turned his attention to the mage. "_Have you ever made a baby?_"

Nils asked the question because he was not familiar with human customs. Otherwise, he would never have asked Erk. But Erk was unlucky and Nils didn't know. Nor did the bard know of the situation of the relationship between the mage and a certain cleric.

Erk got a horrified look on his face and started to sputter. "_N-no. Cour-course not_."

Nils raised an eyebrow. "_Why not? With all those times that Serra had latched herself onto you and the amount of time you've spent as her escort, I would've thought that you made a baby with her. Besides, this method sounds simple enough._"

A sudden interest for the ceiling became evident in Erk. "_Uh, I'm n-not r-ready y-yet..._"

"_Oh_." Nils then turned to Canas. Since he was now satisfied, he happily bounded backwards out of the library while waving goodbye.

Erk and Canas slumped down into their chairs. Unfortunately, they knocked over a pile of books that caused quite a riot. The hushing group wasted not a second in saying, "_SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_"

Erk, being the more stress-prone of the two, yelled out, "-FUZZ- YOU ALL!"

That earned nothing but another "_SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_" And the guy in the trashcan was still flailing his legs around. Canas sighed and sweat dropped. This had been quite the day. The legion had fought off rogue knights, killer bandits, holy hypocrites, golden-eyed freaks, a dude in a turban, evil magic-casters, a fire-breathing dragon and yet, they couldn't handle a little kid.

---

The librarian stopped running and took a few moments to catch her breath. Then she thought of something. What job was she going to tackle next? If she didn't earn some gold one way or the other, she wouldn't be able to buy toilet paper! Oh, how dreadful that would be!

_'Think, you idiot, think_,' she thought to herself. Then she got an idea. 'I'll _go learn CPR_ (what does it stand for anyway?)_! I'll go and help out people who need air, heck, I might even be able to perform CPR on **BISHIES**!_'

With that thought, she squealed.

Jaffar might have a cold personality but the ex-librarian was willing to bet that he had warm lips.

Who wouldn't want to give Heath or Rath a good smack on the lips?

Can't forget Raven or Lucius (although it would look gay)!

And Guy might be a good kisser.

Karel can't be all THAT bad even though he has an obsession with killing.

Giving Pent a kiss might land him in the divorce court but who cares?

Eliwood's not too popular but he's not half bad-looking.

And she likes the big, strong guys like Hector and Hawkeye.

She also had a thing for blonds, like Harken and Matthew.

Erk, although having a weird name, wasn't too bad-looking either.

Wil had probably used that mouth of his for different things other than talking.

Sain and Kent were probably good at things OTHER than fighting... Scratch that. Not Sain. Just Kent.

The ex-librarian dreamily sighed. 'Think of all the possibilities!' she thought to herself. Then she swept across the halls to where the CPR lessons were being held with a starry-eyed expression on her face. Let's face it, what fangirl WOULDN'T want to pucker up with a bishie that was the target of her lust?

**Chapter End **-----


	3. Chapter 3

This is the ghost of Umbrielle. I have fallen off the face of the earth because the earth is actually a flat disk, contrary to the globe you've all been led to believe. And so, my intangible fingers will type the story of Nils and how he fell off of the said disk.

Nils: Just write the story already!

Yeesh, I was just building dramatic tension! Anyways, sorry for the LOOONG wait (over a year, really). This chapter got deleted while I was halfway done. Then it got deleted again. Yeah, I tend to get my stuff deleted a LOT. The fact that I'm a slow writer didn't help either. I hope this chapter is up to par with your expectations after such a long wait.

Also, I want to apologize for the disappearance of the review responses. That was an unfortunate accident. I was so stupid. I decided that from now on I wouldn't do responses because I didn't really think that they were working for me but then I accidentally took out ALL the review responses... Gah...

I think someone mentioned my overuse of proper nouns. Sorry, it just seems awkward to throw in "the teal-haired bard" and stuff like that. But I'll try and work something out to get rid of all those proper nouns and work some pronouns in that won't look too awkward.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem. I DON'T own Fire Emblem. I don't OWN Fire Emblem. I don't own FIRE EMBLEM. I DON'T OWN FIRE EMBLEM... You get the point, right?

**Chapter Start -----**

Nils was happily bouncing along the corridors of the castle. They're BIG corridors and that didn't help Nils' gnawing hunger. In fact, he would've eaten the nearest person's arm but that was unsanitary. Who knows what that person did with his arm?

So he was just merrily minding his own business when he spotted the cafetaria. It was a nice, roomy cafetaria with... not so nice food. Oh well, he thought. The vending machine's always there. He could always snag a quick bite if he had a dollar in hand. So he decided to walk in and slipped in a dollar through the slot. He picked a bag of Doritos and started munching right away. Soon after, he noticed Eliwood and Hector conversing.

Hector appeared to be doing a one-sided conversation with Eliwood. "You know, there should've been light sabers in the 6th book!"

Eliwood raised an eyebrow. "What good would light sabers have done for Harry?"

(A/N: You know, what I'm talking about, right?)

Shrugging, Hector made obscure gestures with his hands. "It adds more action! Heck, it wouldn't hurt if even more of the series was like Star Wars!"

Eliwood decided not to comment on that while he sipped on some tea. After all, replying would only encourage Hector to continue on this topic althought a lack of a response would encourage him to try and get him to engage him in conversation. Well, that didn't help Eliwood much.

As evidence of that, Hector got out of his chair and borrowed a chopstick from one of the foreign emissaries that visited the castle annually. He might as well have taken both since one chopstick is pretty much useless without another. So, the foreigner was forced to watch and wait to get his chopstick back.

Anyway, he held out the said chopstick like a sword of sorts. He said, "Voldemort would be like, 'Harry, I am your father!'"

Then, Hector attempted a mirror image by moving to a position symmetrical to his former one and held the chopstick like a wand. "Harry would go, 'What about James?'"

He reversed his position again. "And then Voldemort would say, 'He is... YOUR MOTHER!'"

Hector once again, switched spots and slumped to the ground. "Harry would be like, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'"

Just Eliwood's luck. He happened to be sipping a bit of tea when Hector got to that part. Inevitably, he started choking.

Everybody started watching as the Pherae lord dropped to the ground. For whatever odd reason that it may be, everybody seemed to be murmuring about this suspicious turn of events and crowding around him but none seemed to actually be HELPING Eliwood.

Suddenly a girl ran into the room. "S'cuse me, dudes! I know CPR!"

Naturally, everybody made room for her. She made her way over to Eliwood and made him lie on the ground. Then, she slowly lowered her face towards his in a way that seemed more like kissing than CPR. Of course, Eliwood couldn't quite control himself when he saw the look in her eye and he spat in her face in his state of shock.

She did nothing for a a minute, just keeping the position that she was in. Eliwood decided that now would be a good time to speak. "Um... hi... uh... sorry about that..."

A few moments later she got to her feet and walked out the cafeteria. Then, she screamed. Loudly. It was the kind of scream that you hold off until some other moment when you feel it's appropriate.

Hector kind of stared. Then the foreign emissary walked up to him and took his chopstick back. He said, "Ha chi nay yew gaw fai jee, mun oi sin! Nay dik bay go ho dai ah! Oi got dut nay hai gaw bun dan! Nay moon jun hai ho gwai ah!"

Foreign language was not Hector's specialty so he decided to say, "The bathroom is down the hall to the right."

The foreigner decided to walk off and continued his lunch. Nils decided to make his presence known. "Hello Eliwood! Hello Hector!" he said.

The other two said hi back. The jumpy little dude decided to hop over to them. On one leg. "Wow, that was really cool! Could you do it again?"

The two lords looked at each other and said nothing. Eliwood decided to break the silence. "Is there anything that we could help you with, Nils?"

Our doomsday-on-legs suddenly remember his little journey of 'enlightenment'. "Actually, there is! I was wondering, do you know how babies are born?"

The two lords looked at each other. Then they looked at Nils. Then they looked at each other. Then they looked at Nils. Then they looked at each other.

Eventually, Eliwood decided to clear his throat. That was enough of a sign of submission for Hector to nudge him. Little Nils decided that it meant Eliwood would answer him and looked expectantly at him.

With no way out in sight and Hector looking the other way (traitor) he decided to tell Nils what his dad told him as a kid. "Uh," he scratched his chin thoughtfully as he tried to remember those wise words. "You seeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." He dragged out that word a bit before continuing.

"There was once... a bird... and a bee... and... they loved each other very much."

"... That's not possible," pouted Nils. Impressionable as he may have been, he wasn't stupid.

Our redhead realised that Nils was catching onto him. "Uh... BIRDS AND BEES! ... Yeah, there was a pair of birds and a pair of bees and the birds loved each other very much and the bees loved each other very much!"

Wincing as he heard that, Hector leaned in towards Eliwood's ears and whispered, "Didn't your dad give you that lecture on birds and bees when you were being sent to that co-ed school?"

Eliwood replied, "That was a longtime ago. Besides, I never really understood it anyway."

A lightbulb popped up above Eliwood's head. "WhenyougottagoyougottagoandwhenIhavetogoIhavetogosoI'llgonow." And he left. Well, not really, he just hid around the corner of the cafeteria doors to listen in on Hector and Nils.

Right that moment Hector decided that he wasn't giving Eliwood a birthday present that year. Anyway, Nils was waiting so he decided to go on where Eliwood left off. "Ahem... Well, they loved each other very much so they decided to... have babies!..."

"... That's it?"

"Wait, no, they got engaged for 3 years, got married, and then waited another year before deciding to have babies because they were afraid of commitment."

"Excuse me for asking but, how does that explain where babies come from?"

At that moment Hector caught a glimpse of the vending machine. He got an idea and said, "Cans! Babies come from cans!" Eliwood slapped his forehead and groaned. Cans? Was that the best he could come up with? CANS! He sighed. Poor Nils...

"Uh, yes, cans! See, whenever a... girlbee and a boybee have an egg... they lay a can too," explained Hector.

Eliwood felt baffled. Not only was it scientifically incorrect it was also stupid enough that Nils couldn't POSSIBLY fall for it. Maybe he should help him...

"Same goes for birds too,"nodded Hector fervently. "Birds lay then can in their nest. And then a married human couple will... find this can... and open it and... out pops a baby!"

"Cool!" exclaimed Nils. Then he started to scratch his chin. "But... I've never seen a can in a bird's nest."

Hector started to fumble for the right words. "Mmm... Eh... Uh... I... ... ... ... ..."

Well, better now than never thought Eliwood. Hector needed help. He stood up, strode through the cafeteria doors and said to Nils, "It only happens in special places like gardens! "

Nils said, "Thank you for telling me that. I'll go now!"

Giving a funny look at Eliwood, Hector replied, "No problem. Don't worry about finding the garden. Just walk around and you won't miss it."

Eliwood edged away under a certain lord's stare. "Yes... You can't miss it... Bye... ... ...Tell my mother I love her... I fear I may not be able to keep my life for much longer."

And our little ball of happiness on legs skipped away without looking back and said, "Bye! I -fuzz- you! I'll tell your mom that you -fuzz- her too!"

As expected, the other two blinked. Did Nils say what they thought he just said?... It was a queer day today.

Dismissing any and all doubts from his mind, the Pheraen lord said, "Sorry about abandoning you earlier... I should've helped you out..."

Sighing, Hector turned to Eliwood. "Don't worry about that... What's this world come to?" he asked, exasperated. "I'd go and try to punch Nergal's face in _again_ before I have to explain to a kid about... babies. I mean, really!"

His dear old friend laughed. "Well, I'd feel sorry for the kid who ends up with you as a father!"

With a broad grin, Hector playfully punched Eliwood's shoulder. "You'd probably bore your kid to death with lectures."

Then they looked at each other. A little while later they both burst out laughing with tears in their eyes. Neither of them seemed to be able to stop their seemingly endless mirth.

Hector snorted and wiped out the tear in his eye with a thumb. Breathlessly he said, "Scratch that, Eliwood, that would be Marcus' job!"

---

Doing as Hector had told him, Nils had found the garden with ease. It was a big garden. Really big. It had one of those hedge mazes that went on forever and that some people could easily get lost in there and die of starvation. That was a bit of a problem. "Where could I find a bird's nest in here?" he said to himself.

It would be like finding a needle in a haystack. He looked left and right, up and down and all those directions in between, but no nest was found. Instead, he found Jaffar's head poking up above the hedges in the maze. Once in a while, the top of a green-haired head would pop up above the hedges briefly.

Well, three pairs of eyes were better than one, Nils thought. So he jumped up and down and waved to get the others' attention. "Hey!" he called out. "Nino! Jaffar! Over here! It's me, Nils!"

Before another word was said, Nils charged right through the hedges, trampling them as he made his way towards the pair. It makes you wonder about some of the people who got trapped in hedge mazes. I mean, they're hedges. Not like they'd be too hard to climb over or run through.

When he got there, our little buddy dusted himself off and pulled off the branches that got tangled in his scarf. Nino, being the perky girl she is, said, "Hi Nils!"

Jaffar, of course, didn't speak. But Nino decided to put words in his mouth. "Jaffar says 'Hi' too!"

While pulling out the last of the leaves out of his hair with one had Nils waved with his other hand. He also said his hellos. It took him a while to clean himself up and after that he struggled to remember what he was there for. Was it... Curd zest? ... Burp fest? ... Nerd test?

Suddenly, he attention was forced onto Nino who was talking quite a bit. "Do you like dandelions? I like dandelions. Sonia once said that they're ugly but I think they're pretty. Don't you think so too? How about crabweed? I think it looks cool. No, really, I do. It looks awesome. Ooh, and those little flowers that look like bells! I love those, they're so fun to step on! Have you ever seen carnations? I love them. I like how they're part of the word 'reincarnation'. And those weeds that have prickly leaves, they're fun to touch! I mean, nothing tickles my fancy more than have my skin dug into by some weird plant. But you know what else tickles my fancy? PUSSYWILLOWS! They're so soooooooft and niiiiiiiiice and comforting to touch. I love their names too. Don't even get me started on tulips."

Nils blinked. Then, slowly, he started to grin. "I know what you mean! I mean, tulips? For starters, they have great names that suit them. 'Two lips'. That's what they look like! You could go and just kiss one and it wouldn't feel awkward at all! But make sure there aren't any bees or wasps inside them first because then you'd go around with a huge sore on your lips for a few weeks. Trust me, I know. And how they grow! I mean, every fall they die but then in the spring they start growing again from the very same bulbs they had before. It's such a cool way of growing!"

(A/N: Tulips are underrated.)

Through all of this it would seem like there were only two people present. But, you know, where Nino is, Jaffar is never far behind. So, Jaffar was there, ready to plunge his head into the nearest rosebush if he had to stand through this talk of flowers and weeds for much longer. Or any other kind of stress for that matter.

Don't take it the wrong way. He's willing to stay close to Nino through all sorts of situations. But it's just that he has his limits and the flower talk seems to especially get to him.

Midway through their conversation Nils suddenly remembered his quest to find out the meaning of birth. "Hey Nino," he said, "you wouldn't happen to know where babies come from, right?"

Nino innocently shook her head and then gestured towards Jaffar. "Maybe he knows!"

If you looked at him at that very moment you would see his usual self, calm and serious. If you could read his mind he... wouldn't seem so composed. Let's just leave it at that.

Risking his neck and limbs, Nils asked him, "Jaffar, do you know where babies come from? Could you tell me?"

No response. Just that same cold look and a single bead of sweat. Not that you'd be able to see it. Just to look cool, Jaffar trained himself not to sweat in places that other people would be able to see. He decided that no reply was better than replying and sacrificing his sanity. Unfortunately for him, he forgot to take Nino into account.

With a look of blissful ignorance on her face, Nino said, "Jaffar says that he knows and he'd be glad to tell you!"

Nils looked back at Jaffar. No change. However, his eye was twitching. Just as Nils opened his mouth our favourite pre-promoted assassin (and our only one in the entire history of FE, I think) suddenly plunged his head into a nearby rosebush.

Nino once again seemed absolutely oblivious. She said, "Don't worry about Jaffar. He does that because it helps him think."

Then, after a few moments, he withdrew his head. In the rosebush was a perfect imprint of Jaffar's head. It was interesting how he managed to make it look so neat. You could actually see where his nostrils were and everything.

"So," started Nils, "what do you need to make babies, first of all?"

It was incredulous. That was what Jaffar was thinking. Indredulous. What had he done to deserve this? Maybe it was karma for killing all those people... Now he has to answer a question that he'd should only have to answer if he ever got kids. He never even wanted to get married!

So, he decided to make up a story. And the first thing that came to mind, he said it out loud. "Sword," he said, "you need a sword."

Looking up at the sky, Nino tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Swords, huh?" she said to herself. "Odd. I've always thought that you needed flowers to do it."

"That too," said Jaffar quickly. Well, he might as well humour the two of them.

Nils crossed his arms across his chest. He asked, "How many swords do you need?"

Twitch. Twitch. His twitchy brow was acting up again. Good thing it was hidden by his headwear. Well, he might as well answer that question too. "It depends... All you really need is one..."

Well, that was awkward... Too bad, he supposed. He might not get out of this alive. Of course that might be exaggerating a bit but he's never done this kind of thing before. Maybe it's lethal. Maybe it takes 50 years off your life. Maybe he'll go nuts. On the other hand, maybe it's harmless. However, as the Angel of Death, Jaffar was trained never to take chances.

Both Nils and Nino pondered upon this for a while. Then, Nino asked, "What do you do with the sword?"

At that, Jaffar twitched a few more times. How was he going to get out of this one?... Wait, he'd seen Linus' stash of books once. He found them a bit odd. They were in an odd language and looked like fairytale books. Jaffar had witnessed Lloyd confronting Linus on that matter. The latter had turned bright red and said that those were for NIno. That in itself was weird. She had never been allowed picture books by Sonia. After being probed by Lloyd he confessed to having a Japanese fairtale fetish. Well, at least nowJaffar got an idea.

Jaffar cleared his throat. Not that you could hear him. For the same reason as sweating in places people wouldn't normally see, he learned how to clear his throat silently. Jaffar, you multi-talented dog, you... Anyway, after clearing his throat (silently) he said, "You... stick the sword into... a giant peach. Then... you carve it out and... a baby should appear... ... ...after you stuff it with flowers... brown flowers."

He added the last part to appease Nino. However, he just hoped that she wouldn't actually try it. But then again, there are no such thing as brown flowers... Well, he wasn't a botanist so he could know for sure but he was pretty sure of that.

Raising an eyebrow Nils asked, "So, do you stuff the baby with flowers or do you stuff the giant peach with flowers?"

Jaffar swiftly replied, "Peach."

Just as Nils opened his mouth and Jaffar winced (but not visibly; you know the deal) a gardener dashed into the scene. She had seen Jaffar with his head stuck in a rosebush while she had been on the top floor of the castle. It had taken a while to climb down all the stairs but she knew that it would be worth it. Now, where was it? "Duuuude," she said in a whiny voice, "where is it?"

Looking left and right and ignoring the three people around her the gardener spotted her quarry. She ran over to it and snatched right out of the ground. "Got it!" she cried gleefully. "Yay!"

Before even Jaffar could react she ran off with a very noticeable bounce in her step.

Nils looked at Nino. She said, "Don't worry about that. Somebody ran off with Jaffar's nose hair once. Another time, they took a floor mat that he had stepped on. Oh, and don't even get me started on all his toothbrushes that went missing! Rosebushes aren't all that weird compared to the other things that have been taken."

Although you wouldn't have noticed just by looking at him, Jaffar felt indignant. He did not have nose hairs, he mentally scoffed. That hadn't been his. It belonged to Legualt! That nose hair was crinkly and gray. Even if Jaffar did have nose hairs, which he didn't, they wouldn't be gray.

Well, Nils decided he had enough info started to walk off. "Bye guys!" he said happily while waving. "Thanks for telling me, Jaffar!"

After he was gone, Jaffar breathed a sigh of relief. Silently. Anyway, Nino smiled up at him with that adoring look on her face. "Jaffar," she sweetly asked, "can you help me find a giant peach? I want you to help me make a baby!"

Stunned, he stepped backwards onto a flowerbed. In fact, he was so shocked that he didn't even look like he was shocked. He didn't even noticed the same gardener from before sneak back and take a flattened petunia, courtesy of his foot.

It's karma, he thought. Karma...

---

Meanwhile our gardener ex-CPR girl had been busy. She was walking in the corridors when the head gardener suddenly appeared out of nowhere. She didn't look very pleased. "You!" she yelled. "What had you been doing? You were supposed to be on duty in the garden!"

The other stammered. "I-I was!"

"Then you didn't do a very good job!" the head gardener yelled. She stuck a finger at the ex-CPR girl. "The hedge maze is a mess! I looks like some kid ran through it and made a bunch of holes and what are you doing with those plants?"

Before she could protest the rosebush and petunia had been grabbed away from her. "Go now!" yelled the HG. "You're fired!"

Slouching, she returned to the jobs post bulletin board in the castle. Well, how many jobs could she possibly go through? I mean, there had to be SOMETHING she could do. Even being a bank accountant would be fine!

After she disappeared around a corner the HG snickered. Hugging the rosebush and the mangled petunia she said, "There's a perfect imprint of Jaffar in this bush and this petunia has his boot print! Well, eBay, here I come! I'm going to be rich!"

**Chapter End -----**

So, what did you think? After a very long absence from actively writing fanfiction, I hope I can make up for it. Please review if you like my story. Critique me if you want. Flames will be listened to although they will also be used to warm my house. My AC is busted.

(I don't know if you've noticed but if you look back in the older chapters you'll see that I changed the random girl's way of speaking. Her favourite word is now "dude". Yes. That's right. DUDE. As in, "Yo dude!")

BTW, if you're wondering about all the baby stories I pretty much just make them up as I go along with some inspirations.


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